


Accidents Happen

by Jouissance (restrained_ubiquity)



Series: OQ Prompt Party 2020 [3]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:56:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25738426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/restrained_ubiquity/pseuds/Jouissance
Summary: Prompt 75: Regina accidentally murders 2 peasants named Adam and Eddie.  Complete and utter Crack!fic
Relationships: Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Robin Hood
Series: OQ Prompt Party 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1863853
Comments: 8
Kudos: 14





	Accidents Happen

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: murder is wrong. don't do it.
> 
> Also, I had way to much fun with this and I'm worried what that says about me.

He smelled barbeque. That was Robin’s first indication that he had failed miserably in the task Prince Charming and Princess Snow had bestowed upon him: Please, keep Regina from murdering the peasants. It had seemed a simple request, one he was looking forward to if only to spend more time with the stunning queen, but it was proving more of a challenge than any heist he had ever undertaken. 

He followed his nose to the edge of a small hamlet, farther out than they usually travel from the castle to replenish their supplies from the local villagers. She stood rigid in her finest black gown, fist clenched at her side. He could still see the telltale sign of flame seeping between her white-knuckled fingers.  
“Regina, we’ve talked about this,” he sighs exasperated as he comes to stand at her side. He never should have stopped to check in on the blacksmith and let her wander off alone. “You promised that you would stop murdering people! What happened?!”

“It was an accident,” she tells him slowly through gritted teeth. Robin states at her with her for a moment then throws his hands in the air. He’s enough of a man to admit when he’s failed and this is it. He can’t possibly be held responsible for her irresponsibleness anymore. “Honestly, Robin. I didn’t intend to murder them,” she’s pleading a bit, really hates when he looks at her with such disappointment. “Maim them, slightly, just enough to teach them a lesson, but they just wouldn’t stop and then I couldn’t stop and well…” she pokes at the pile of ash with the toe of her stiletto boot.

“What could they possibly have done to warrant this?” Robin points at what remains of the latest unfortunates to get in her way.

“They were plotting your death, Robin. And not just your death, your complete obliteration! And that’s not even the worst part! They were going to do it right after you whispered in my ear that you loved me! And that one there,” she points aggressively to the smoldering ash on the right, “ he laughed and said they’d never even let anyone hear you say it. They were some kind of sorcerers. I was saving your life!” 

“Regina, they’re just mindless peasants. Would a sorcerer live in this squalor? I’m sure their incoherent ramblings meant nothing. Who in their right mind would have someone relocate their entire life and then kill them so stupidly that they would end up alienating hundreds of citizens.”

“Maybe they didn’t appreciate you. Maybe they thought it would only hurt 15 people and no one would complain. Regardless, I was not taking the chance on you getting obliterated by the giant dildo of doom so I was going to singe them a bit. Scare them into giving you a better plot.”

“I appreciate your concern for my future, Your Majesty, but that’s a fair bit more than singed.”

“Well that one started pandering and said he could bring you back, but that one just laughed and said it wouldn’t really be you.”

“What on earth are you talking about?”

“I don’t know! And they didn’t know either. It’s like they were making it up as they went along and none of it made any sense. It’s like our entire relationship happens between other people’s stories.”

“Our relationship? Wait...back up a moment, did you say that I say that I love you? Could they have been fortune tellers of some sort? But what were they doing way out here?”

“Who they were isn’t important, Robin. They’re gone now and you’re safe from whatever stupid, pointless, ignorant, idiotic, doltish, ABSURD AND STUPID fate they had planned for you.”

He really doesn’t know what to say to that. If any of what she claims is true, than he owes her a great deal and if it’s not she seems strong enough in her convictions that this act will not be reported to the Prince and Princess. “Fair enough,” he tells her when she finally stops pacing around the ashes. “But next time will you please try not to roast the peasants? We do actually need people to live and work in this realm. There will be no one left to sew your gowns or tend to your orchards if you keep this up.”

“I make no promises if they’re stupid, irritating, buffoons who don’t recognize chemistry when it’s staring them in the face. Besides, if I hadn’t roasted them your fans would have.” 

“I have fans?”

Yes, Robin,” she rolls her eyes at his innocence. “Haven’t you noticed? We call them the hoodies and they’re very loyal. Just look for the ones with arrows on their clothes or even their skin.”

“Well, I suppose I should thank you then, Milady. A happy accident indeed that you saved me from a horrible story. What do we do now that I’m no longer at risk of being obliterated?”

“We spend the rest of this year getting to know each other’s dark pasts, playing with Roland, and having a lot of sex.”

She walks off in the direction of the castle, leaving Robin to kick dirt over the ashes and cover her crime. “Are you coming, Thief?” she calls over her shoulder. 

Robin stomps the last bits into the road and runs to her side. “Did they mention if the events of this year are going to happen in any particular order?” he smirks, flashing the dimples he knows will always work for him. Regina grabs his vest, crashing their lips together as purple smoke sweeps them away.


End file.
